The world is full of temptation. It is easy to sit around and wait for something wonderful to happen. It is easy to allow myself to just fall into a comfortable zone of apathy and laziness. It is just too easy to become unmotivated. I haven’t even been officially on my own for a week, and I find that I’m already falling into a routine of inaction and sloth. It’s a fear that I had going into this, and today, I finally hit the panic button.
The 3 Most Powerful Enemies of My Success
I left work to embark on a journey of self-discovery and creation. I intended to grow and challenge myself in new ways. I wanted to become something more than just an office bitch, doomed to live out his days in comfortable desperation. Instead, I find that I am not creating or producing even the tiniest bit as much as I was when I was working in the cube farm. It was the inevitable outcome that everyone I warned me to about. Everyone knows me better than I do.
This afternoon, I stepped outside at 4:00 because I knew it was warm outside and if I didn’t go out now, I’d never actually see the sun today. As much as the sun and I are bitter enemies, I still like to go and bask in its brilliance from time to time. It just has to be in very short bursts or the Sun wins, and I get burned alive.
While I was standing outside, letting the sun shine down on my face, I realized how little I had done with my life in the last two weeks. I couldn’t even comfort myself with the thought that I was at least working and contributing to society. Just like that, I got dizzy and face-planted into the bushes by my door. My breath left me. My heart pounded against the iron instead of that had grabbed it and I retreated to the comfort of my cushy love seat and computer.
Something has to change, and it has to be me. My breathing has calmed down, but my heart is still marching in double time. With each beat, my mind fractures itself into the panic mode. “Run, Flee,” it screams at me. “Get out before it’s too late!”
The other side of my brain cries to go crawling back to work. “They’ll take you back,” it says, “the experiment failed. You’re a loser and will always be a loser!”
For a few moments, I let the thoughts of failure run their course around in my head. My soul was shrinking and melting, and I felt tiny and insignificant. I wanted to hide deep under my covers and never let the world find my shame. Instead, I came here to write and find an answer.
It’s true. Something does have to change, and it does have to be me. I don’t need to go back and become a depressed office drone again. I need to move forward, discipline myself against the world of distractions and torments and carve a new path to glory and victory.
But there are enemies along this path. I must be aware of them. I need to learn to fight their evil powers. I need to be Odysseus. I need to know the dangers so I can use my genius to overcome them.
1) Television
“WATCH THIS MOVIE, DOCUMENTARY AND ENTIRE 10 SEASON TELEVISION SERIES IN ONE SITTING OR THERE IS GOING TO BE TROUBLE!”
I’ve always been easily distracted by things that move, blink, and make noise. The images on a television are exactly those things. Deep down, the worst secret is, I don’t even really like watching television. It feels exactly like it’s nickname, “The Brain-Melting Sludge Monster.”
I might be the only person that calls it that.
Still, I can’t stop myself from turning it on if I’m near it, and I am almost as bad as a six-year-old when it comes to pulling myself away from the pictures. I just forget that there is a world beyond Adventure Time…. or a more age-appropriate show… Did I say Adventure Time? I meant, um… C-Span. Yeah, I love me some C-Span.
I thought that I might be able to get away from the television’s lure by connecting it to my computer and using it as a monitor instead of a TV. I was so, very, very wrong. Now, thanks to a combination of Amazon Prime and Netflix, the TV is even worse… it has years of things that I actually want to watch… like all that recorded C-Span. Even if the money for things like streaming video services runs out, there is always YouTube… you can never escape YouTube.
2) Social Media (Especially Twitter)
“PAY CONSTANT ATTENTION TO ME OR I MIGHT ACTUALLY DIE!”
I spend a ton of time alone. I don’t co-workers to bother anymore, so I have to find other ways to stimulate myself socially. I’m terrified of people and public spaces, and my RoomLords have kids that I can only handle in short, delicate bursts. This leaves me with only one real outlet to get my groove on. That’s the INTERNET.
Despite the myriad of dating-site-success-story commercials, I am a firm believer that nothing good ever comes from online relationships. I know, many of you reading this are my online friends. I appreciate and love you all the same.
Still, when all of your friends are names and heads on a scrolling screen, certain attitude changes begin to manifest.
For example. I have no need to impress any of you with my personal style or hygiene I’m going to let you draw your own conclusions about horrible, dirty artists from that.
See?
Real, in-person friends do still serve a purpose!
I should get myself some of those.
3) Myself
“YOU’LL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING. NO ONE ACTUALLY LIKES YOU. YOU DRAW LIKE A 4 YEAR OLD AND YOU SMELL LIKE DRIED SOCK SWEAT!”
By far and away, the biggest enemy to my success is myself. I am constantly getting in my way. I tell myself that I suck at everything I try. I convince myself that since I do suck at everything, then there is no real reason to keep trying.
So instead, I go looking for distractions in the form of television or Zuma Blitz. I play a lot of Zuma Blitz.
When I realize that I’ve spent half an hour doing nothing productive, I tell myself that it’s okay. I have time. I can keep ignoring the world around me, maybe take a nap.
The less productive I get, the more I tell myself that my lack of productivity is because I suck and that I should give up. So, I become even less productive.
Before I know it, I’m laying, curled into the fetal position, openly weeping and drying my tears with pizza rolls and microwavable tacos.
Yes, Microwavable Tacos are a Real Thing.
Fighting Back
Now that I know what the biggest enemies are, I can start finding a way to fight past them. I have already come up with one plan. That’s murdering the internet. It probably isn’t a very good plan, so I might just stick to my personal internet access, but it is a step that needs to be taken. If I don’t disconnect for at least a few hours a day, I’m never going to get away from the tweeps I love so much and get something done.
The next step in my plan is to create a schedule. That way, I can say, “No, TV-Monster, it is not time for you. It is time for working hard and kicking ass.” Fortunately, streaming videos don’t need you to set your schedule around them. You can watch Freaks and Geeks when you want.
Finally, I am going to have to face my own personal mirror battle. I don’t really have a plan for that one other than to just kick my own ass as well as I can. I think some parts of that will come naturally as I manage to overcome some of the other issues I’m dealing with. If not, I’ll just have to keep trying.
There is no going back now. I just have to make it happen.
No matter what.