One Wish

The world is not what I would make of it.

That, I think, is completely obvious. It is obvious in that tacos don’t grow on trees, cats are still preferred by landlords over dogs, and I am not a millionaire, cowboy, poet, hacker with a robot butler. You could say, that things aren’t exactly perfect to how I would choose for them to be.

Still, it could be worse.

I tend to focus on the darkest, most painful side of life. That’s what has the biggest impact, what draws the most attention. I do it entirely for selfish and greedy reasons. I do it because it seems like what people really come here to read is the dark, nasty part of me. So, that’s what I give. That’s what I share.

If you want to know what my one wish actually is, well, it’s to control focus.

I wish I could control the focus of my life, my mind, my being. I wish I could focus on what I can do instead of what I can’t do. I wish I could focus on what I have instead of what I want. I wish I could focus on what is instead of what isn’t.

Hell, I wish I could focus on anything for more than a few minutes at a time.

Life is frustrating. It’s annoying, painful, and a bit meaningless.

It is what we have, though. It is what we make of it. We are what we make of ourselves.

I don’t have a lot. I feel like I’m atrophying away most of the time. I feel like there is only so much to me and at the rate I’m going, it will be used up in a few more weeks.

I always feel like that.

I’m never used up.

That’s the perpetual state of it, I suppose. I can’t really see beyond it.

I lack the focus to commit to doing anything more.

So, I walk upstream. I push ahead. I get pulled back. I continue on as is.