I read an article in the New York Times this morning. It was the first time I’ve seen a mainstream media outlet report on something that I’ve been watching and loathing for a long time now. As destructive as body image is for women, and that is a serious issue that I am very happy gets addressed often and with great support, body image is also destructive for men (LINK). I think it’s important not to forget that the media has an increasing control on what we as a culture perceive as attractive. You can’t blame the media, though. They’re just putting together an image and they let us decided which one we put our money into.

It is a service industry powered by consumer payments. Trust me, if money wasn’t an issue in Hollywood, every movie would be a pale, dark-haired depressed 12-year-old staring at a red balloon out the window for days at a time. (Copyright M.A. Brotherton 2012)

That stuff is golden in Academy circles.

Fortunately for us, Hollywood is a business, and thus we get movies involving zombies and exploding robots. You know, the things we actually enjoy.

Things like James Bond.

Which Brings me to Why I Hate Daniel Craig (Sorta Joking)

James Bond is the classic male sex symbol. The character is engrained in Western Culture as the guy all men want to be and all women want to make sweet, sweet sexy times with. Whether that’s true or not, it’s been hammered repeatedly into my head since I was very young that it was true, and that’s enough for it to have a significant impact on my life.

Now, you might be asking yourself, “What does this have to do with Daniel Craig, and why do you want to fire him from a rocket into the sun?”

Well, no offense to Mr. Craig, I’m sure he’s a lovely gentleman, but the man is cut like diamonds. That means that the ultimate male sex symbol of our age is basically an inhumanly low level of body fat and the type of muscles that can only exist through genetics or science. I’m not saying that Daniel Craig is on the juice, I’m sure that he’s go the kind of genes that let a dude double in size in a few months just by doing some kettle bells or something, but I am not one of those dudes. The vast majority of dudes are not one of those dudes.

Why does this even matter?

Well, let’s compare modern Bond to the Original Flavor – Sean Connery.

Even in his physical prime, back in the 1960s when he was using his sexual prowess to stop nuclear bombs from blowing up volcanoes and killing off all the world’s lawyers and psychiatrists, he was what you might describe as a slightly taller, less orange orangutan.

Daniel Craig, on the other hand, is built like a brick shit-house. So, we’ll call him a Black Rhino.

Me? In this analogy, I’m a penguin. I tend to waddle.

See:

Now, do you see the significant differences here. 50 years ago, Orangutans were sexy. Now, Black Rhinos are sexy.

I just want to know when Bond will be played by a penguin and I’ll get my day in the sun!

 

Making Jokes of a Serious Issue

Look. Body image is a serious issue that has a real and damaging impact on teenagers all over the world. We’ve made some amazing strides, like the subtle re-proportioning of Barbie’s figure to be almost physically possible for a human woman. We constantly work to recognize the damage that culture has on young girls, and that could not be more important. But, we often neglect the damage that our culture does to young boys.

We live in a world where “Bigorexia” is just as much of a problem, and just as dangerous as anorexia or bulimia.

We can’t just let our young men all become ‘roid-ragin’ monsters.

That’s why I should be your next James Bond.

 

Think about it.

 

It’s for the children.