Something Wrong with My Eye

Does my eye look gross to you? It looks gross to me.

Look, it’s a digital photo of my eye… I’m an artist.

I Think There Is Something Wrong With Me

First and foremost, I’m going to go into some gross description here, so you probably want to look away for a while. No, seriously, this post will involve words like “gooey discharge.” Just a heads-up, go ahead at your own risk.

My eye is clearly swollen, itchy, and bitchy. These are not uncommon traits for eyes, but for me, eyes are normally more like “sunken” and “squinty.” If you look closely at the gross eye picture to the left, you’ll also notice that it seems that my eye-lashes have become spider leg tentacles. This can’t possibly be healthy, but that is just the most modest of symptoms.

The real reason I’m starting to worry about my eye (besides the fact that today it decided to be swollen and feels bruised) is that for the last three months or so, I’ve produced a rediculous amount of rheum. That’s “eye-boogers” for you that don’t worry about the proper names of viscous fluids that leak forth from the least desirable crevices of the human body.  I’m not like that. I have to know the proper name for all of my gooey discharges (see I promised I’d use those words.)

It gets bad enough that if I don’t clean my eyes several times per day, I go blind from a film a snot that coats the entire world.

You do not want to know what it’s like to be forced to look at the world through a snot filter.


Worried that this might be some sign that I have brain-slugs, I decided to turn to the trusty Internet and learn all I could about eye-poops.

After swimming in a fast sea of medical data from all corners of the world, guided by the all-knowing Google, I’ve come up with a few facts about rheum that I want to share with the rest of you so that you can understand why I think I need to probably have my eyes replaced with robot eyes…. for medical reasons….

1) Rheum can be caused by a Build up of Lactic Acid.

That’s right, if you eat too much cheese or drink too much milk, you can end up expelling the excess cow-crud out through your tear ducts. How gross is that. The more dairy you eat, the more likely you are to goo out the left over lactic acid.

As if I needed another reason to not eat things that come from cow-boobs.

Seriously. World. Cows = Bad. Milk is horrible for you.


Oh, did I mention that I don’t eat a lot of dairy because I’m lactose intolerant and cheese makes me poop?

Well, it’s true. And thus, I can’t have an excess of Lactic Acid to cause my increased Eye Snot.

2) Rheum is Not Prevented by Vitamin A, but it doesn’t hurt

Despite what you may or may not know about carrots, it is not the color orange that makes your eyes better. It is a vitamin, code-named “A” that hides inside carrots. This vitamin does not make your eyes better, but it does help keep them from getting worse by super-charging your tears to make your eyes not dry out as bad. Thus, you don’t have to produce as much rheum. IN THEORY! No one has ever proven that, but I can tell you I probably don’t eat enough carrots.

3) Dry Eye-Boogers are Worse than Wet Eye Boogers

Seriously, when they get crunchy, that’s when you’re in trouble. They cling to the eye lashes and make everything on your eye feel like it weighs a million more pounds! It’s itchy, swollen and annoying from then on!


Looking for a Solution

I’m sure that the medical reason that my eyes are oozing is because my brain is too big inside my head and it’s squeezing all the goop out to make room for more awesome. This is pretty easily quantifiable scientific fact. Still, I feel like I should probably do something about it before I end up with one eye spurting forth from my head on a river of sludge.

That just sounds unpleasant.

So, anyone have any experience with eye crud, or am I’ going to have to bite the bullet and head to the people-doctor?