Missouri Politics are Weird

With just a bit more than a month left to Election Day, I find myself wondering if every state is as batshit insane as Missouri. I significantly doubt it, but since being old enough to vote, I haven’t lived anywhere else, and the closest state of examination to me that isn’t Missouri is Kansas, where they literally tolerate the existence of the Westboro Baptist Church. They do this because living in Kansas slowly, but steadily, drains your brain power until your will to live is non-existent.

Everyone not okay with that is banished to the far side of the Rainbow, which is Iowa, of course.

So, in Kansas you basically can assume that whoever proves that they are the chosen one of God in a Battle-Prayer Competition gets all the votes. There have been some serious upsets, but mostly this is how it all goes down in Kansas on Votey-Day.

Missouri is a completely different story. We tend to get lumped into being considered a Red State, and most people think that means we’re a bunch of conservatives up in this mug, but that’s not entirely true. We’ve got conservatives, and we’ve got liberals, but mostly we have people that don’t know what the hell is going on.

We might make a wise decision, or we might elect a peacock to serve as Governor! You’ll never know!

I mean, on one hand, we were smart enough to vote for a dead man as Senator over  John Ashcroft, and yet, we very well could be just a few weeks away from sending a man about as bright as a socket wrench to Washington.

Seriously, Missouri, if Todd Akin gets elected, even Arizona will start making fun of us.

… And their football team is the Cardinals despite the fact that their state bird is the Bad-Ass and Majestic Cactus Wren.

 

Yeah, I know, right?

 

Show Me Politics

It has always been strange to me that as a state that has a nickname implying that we’re the most skeptical of all the US States, and yet, if you walk down the street and ask Missourian simple questions you’ll soon come to realize that we’re pretty much the opposite of skeptical.

 

Which implies to me that all you other states are just filled to the brim with simple-minded believers….

 

Everyone in the US should send me $1 each, and in exchange I’ll make the moon shine purple for 1 hour on a date of my choosing.

But I digress.

The scary thing about living in the Show Me State, is I think what used to be “Show me so I can judge for myself,” has become, “Show Me something Shiny so I can forget that I’m basically a turnip.”

I blame the fact that living here is cheaper than Florida but a million times more awesome. This has the effect of bringing old people to Missouri by the truckload, and thus making good ol’ MO increasingly senile and insane.

I think somewhere along the lines I had a point…

Oh, yeah.

Look, Missouri is a messed up place where anything can happen. We are a diverse and interesting people who gather together into three or four main tribes with millions of subtribes.

No, that was from my fourth grade report….

Okay, so what I don’t really have a point today.

I really just wanted an excuse to pick on Kansas and mention the noble Cactus Wren.

Also, to remind you all to watch the Presidential Debates tonight because there is a drinking game, and that Election Day is just a month away.

Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote.

If you need to know who to vote for, send me $3 and I’ll tell you*.

 

 

*You can also always write-in vote Matthew A Brotherton. I want to win ALL the Elections.