Dear World, With Apologies, Missouri

Dear Humanity (and lesser beasts) of Planet Earth,


I live in Missouri. I am proud of my Missouri heritage. I love Kansas City. I love Springfield. I have uncomfortable, juvenile feelings for St Louis. I’ve never been to Cape Girardeau, but my college roommate was from there and he was a pretty hip cat.  I mean he still owned and played a Sega Master System in 2000, so there’s got to be something awesome going on in the Boot heel (pronounced “boothill”), right? I spend a bit of time on this blog, and a great deal of time on the HalfDrunk Podcast talking about how great this state, and especially my home city, can be. Chris and I do a lot of work to try and let the rest of the world know that Missouri isn’t just a state full of rednecks and morons trying to undermine the future of the world. I mean, that’s what Kansas is for.

Sorry, that was local humor in a piece that isn’t really meant to be humorous.

No, today, I feel the need to address the world because someone from my state has publically spoken one sound bite to undermine all of the progress we strive for in the land of the Show-Mes:

Todd Akin, the Representative from Missouri and member of the House Science Committee, announced in an interview today,

“First of all, from what I understand from doctors [pregnancy from rape] is really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”

I’m not here to tell you that Todd Akin is a horrible human being. I’m not even here to tell you that it is my belief that his afterlife will be spent running through a garbage dump, covered in honey while a pack of wolverines that shoot bees from their eyes target is genitalia.

I’m here to announce that I intend to do everything in my power as a Missourian to ensure that Todd Akin gets eaten by dinosaurs, hopefully in public. Barring that, I am swearing to you that I will not be voting for Mr. Akin, or any member of any political party that defends or associates with Akin.

The United States is a hot bed of stupid right now, and I think this is a wake up call for all of us, especially those of us from Missouri, to realize that we can’t afford this bullshit anymore.

I have friends that are all over the spectrum politically, religiously, financially, and in terms of sanity.

I would fathom that all of them, from the Biblical Literalists in my life to the Ones that would Smash the Moon into the Earth as Robot Gods, are all in agreement with me on this:

Rep Todd Akin is a moronic prick that does not represent Missouri.


I urge everyone reading this to remember that regardless of where you fall on any one of the many cross-hairs of culture, it is in the best interest of society to be better than that.

Make sure your vote makes a difference. Make sure that your vote doesn’t get wasted on ass-hats like this who shit on both Science and Religion.


Todd Akin is bad for Missouri. He is bad for America. He is bad for humanity. Hell, Todd Akin is even bad for the Republican Party.


Remind him of that in November.


With Confusing feelings for St Louis packed away in a Trunk,

M. A. Brotherton