The Dark Knight Rises – A breakdown of Why Christopher Nolan is a Bad, Bad Man (Contains Spoilers)

I want to start off by saying the Dark Knight Rises didn’t turn out nearly as bad as I thought it was going to.  Hallelujah for minor miracles, right? That’s not to say it was the amazing epic that I’m sure everyone around you is blindly prattling it to be. Seems too many people are still recovering from their raging fan-boners to be able to objectively look at the movie for what it was: wasted potential again and again and again.

Warning Beyond this Point is full of Terribly delicious Spoilers. Also, there will be comments to follow this post, I’m sure. They will also contain spoilers. Read at your own peril.


Let’s break it down, now, shall we, and you’ll clearly see that 100% of the problems with Dark Knight Rises come from Christopher Nolan being a bad, bad man.


Batman has not been Batman for 8 years. At one point they even analyze that he is physically incapable of being Batman anymore. He can’t even freakin’ stand up without a cane anymore! So, yeah, Batman is broken and being a whiney bitch, which is what Batman does when he’s not smashing faces in with his foot. We all expected that. We’ve watched Batman Beyond, we know that Bruce Wayne is a whiney turd when he can’t be Batman. We know that he goes all recluse and gets mean. Okay, we get it. Fortunately, it doesn’t last long because Batman comes out of retirement for one reason and one reason only: To bang Catwoman.

That’s right, during a fundraiser for some charity foundation named after Harvey Dent, Catwoman breaks into Batman’s house for a pearl necklace. Yes, she tricks Alfred into letting her get a pearl necklace.

When Bruce Wayne catchers her with her neck covered in pearls, he doesn’t even really put up a fight because he’s too busy being an emo bitch. She just kicks the cane out from under him and he falls down. Which is a dick thing to do to a guy that can’t walk anymore, and further proof that he shouldn’t be Batman anymore. I’m pretty sure there’s even a point where Bruce is all, “I’m going to have to find this chick that stole my GPS laden pearls so that I can bang her as Batman,” and Alfred’s like, “You can’t even walk, Master Bruce, maybe you should an hero.”

It’s completely unexplained at this point in the movie, but Bruce and Alfred are all bitchy at each other. It comes to a head later and is one of the 3 scenes in the movie that proves someone on the writing crew had talent, but was kicked repeatedly in the balls by Nolan. Which is a person that hates anything clever, emotional, or well written.

Then, while hunting down Catwoman, who despite being a professional, international jewel thief didn’t even bother to try to hide her identity, he gets caught up in a plot to stop a mad man from destroying Gotham so they can show the world how wicked and evil it has become. Yes, it’s the same plot as the first movie. No, that doesn’t make it bad writing, just lazy. It actually works… it’s one of the few things that does.

Actually, I’m going to have to stop and give props to Tom Hardy, because Bane was brought hard. Just about everything about Bane was great. He’s a great character, and was the only character that was properly utilized in the plot.

Bane ruled this movie.

I was surprised.

So, while Bane is hanging out in the sewers, Gordon goes down and gets shot, and so now some new detective things Batman is a murderer again, because why not.

Oh, except Joshua Gordon Levitt, who inexplicably knows who Batman is because this one time, at orphanage, he met Bruce Wayne and just knew.

Another Point: JGL was good in this movie. I’m not a fan of his by far, but he did a great job in this movie. Actually, all of the not-batman characters were great characters. Too bad the whole “being in a batman movie” kind of sucked for them. After all, Christian Bale was phoning this one in, and sucked giant ballsacks the entire time. It’s a good thing that he gets the third least screen time of anyone in the movie. Only Alfred and the head bad guy get less screen time than him.

Trust me, that’s a plus.

I’m 99% sure that if they had cut Batman from this movie and made Gordan and JGL vs Terrorists instead, it would have been freaking awesome.

Ultimately, trying to put way too much into the movie ruined it. Nothing was as good as it could have been because there was too much flavor to it.

I’ve lost my train of thought, what was I saying?

Oh yeah, so basically that’s the problem with the movie: Batman sucked as Batman and everyone else was dragged down with it.

One more Thing

Catwoman was an awesome character. She had hints of a kickass back story, some awesome international femme fatale motivations going on, and other than some ridiculously long knife heels and unnecessary kicking of inanimate objects she wasn’t covered in cheese the way you might have expected. There was no cat connection to her other than being a cat burgler, and even her cat ears were actually the flip up cameras on her google-glasses.

Which sounds like it would be awesome, if it wasn’t for the fact that she randomly changes all of her character motivations so she can get some Bat-sex.

There is no reason for Catwoman to still be in Gotham after she turn Batman over to Bane, and there is less reason for her to randomly turn into a super hero. Oh, and there is absolutely no reason an intelligent, independent woman would suddenly start begging a dude to run away with her and keep her safe.

Everything about it pissed me off. They had an awesome character and the used her in the same way that so many comic book writers use female characters, as throwaway romantic interests and motivation for the hero.

You didn’t even need it!

If JGL’s fanworship and Gordon’s getting shot hadn’t been enough reason for Batman to get his shit together, all that time spent in torture prison would have been enough. He didn’t need Catwoman hanging around to be his reward for saving the day.

Batman don’t need no rewards, he’s the God Damned BATMAN!



Side Note: I really think everything that was bad about this movie comes from bad writing and Christian Bale not giving a crap anymore. The characters are great (other than Batman himself) but they’re not allowed to be awesome in the canned terrorist plot. Maybe I’m comparing it too harshly to the first two movies in the series. That could be. It doesn’t even come close to being as good as they were. It’s about on par with a movie like, “Volcano: Los Angeles.”


Also, Nolan, you should never allow batman to be seen during the day. In the light of day, he’s less scary and more hilarious.  You might as well put nipples on the bat suit.


If you disagree with me you can comment below. Remember, all of this is purely subjective from your perspective because I’m never wrong. So there’s that.

I’m looking forward to the conversation.