Fat Kid Rant – Happy is better than Healthy

WarningIt’s Friday morning. I’m hot. I’m sweaty. I’m stuck at work on the end of the Month, which is the worst thing in the history of things ever, and I’m so far behind on my writing that I have to literally write like, 50,000 words today to catch up. I’m a bit tired, and a lot grumpy. I’m annoyed and bored, and honestly, I’m a bit itchy.

It’s a cocktail of unenthusiastic emotions that really just make me want to find a cool, dark place and nap.

Still, taking naps doesn’t get anything done, and there is so much to do that I might actually explode if I don’t get it all done. After all, #13 on my to-do list is “Get micro-explosive removed from heart lining.”  I can do that now that I’ve left that life behind me…

Still, in my scatterbrained and bored mental state, I turned to INTERNET, several dozen tabs of it, to keep me entertained and try to refocus my mind.

I am aware of the seemingly foolish concept that I could refocus my mind by forcing it to multitask super hard, but it works. It’s like when you have a really itchy bug bite or poison ivy, you can make the itching go away for a while by taking a shower so hot that you can barely stand it. The heat from the shower will actually make the itching worse for a short time, then it will get so bad your body literally cannot process the itching anymore. This is sound medical advice, in case you’re itchy.

In fact, “If you’re itchy, take a shower,” should probably be one of The Rules™. That has to be at least as important to remember as those regarding Nude Bacon Preparation and the Social Interactions with Exotic Dancers.

(Rules 1, 2, and 3 cover these topics. Trust me.)

So that was the mental state I was in, when I stumbled upon something that I can only define as government sanctioned bullying. A series of ads from StopChildhoodObescity.Com. These ads were so horrible that the entire campaign around them was taken off the internet in hopes to redeem itself, but you can still find them over at Bitch Magazine, which is were I stumbled upon them.  Thankfully, the entire poorly conceived concept was met with the spirit of actual compassionate human beings, and the ads themselves didn’t stick around too long. The entire thing struck a deep, dark chord in me, though. Almost as if my inner fat-phantom-of-the-opera decided the soundtrack of my mind needed more daytime television levels of drama.

That started making me think about some pretty grim things, like about how my biggest keyword is “Fat Kid Jokes,” or that my article on not blaming Ronald McDonald for making you a fat bastard is still one of my most popular. Does that mean that I’m just some anonymous dick on the internet taking cheap shots at fat kids like all the other asshat jerkoffs?

That’s just ridiculously lame.

The real issue is that I have the same basic programming as everyone else in this country. I subconsciously think that fat kids are an acceptable target and source of humor. It’s bullshit, and I know it.

Now, for some hard truths that most people can’t accept:

Being fat is damaging to your health, but not as much as being miserable. The important factor to life is being happy with who you are. If you’re happy with being fat, then there is no reason for you to worry about it. If you’re not, then you should take that as the motivation to change. It’s hard, but I am of the opinion that life just isn’t worth living if you’re not happy with it.

I don’t mean in the throws of joyous ecstasy, either. I mean real happiness.

For example, I am a fat kid. I don’t really have a problem with the fact that I am a fat kid.

For the most part I don’t worry about whether or not the world thinks I’m a sexy beast (the answer is I am, and if you don’t see it, screw you.)

I don’t generally worry about my health, although there are times when I think, “Man I should be in better shape for this.”

I don’t worry about what other people think of me. I don’t allow their body shame to be my own.

That’s my strength.

I can say, when I’m having a hard time standing upright after a good strong sword fight, I think I’ve let myself go to far. I don’t think I should get skinny. I’ve always been a fat kid, and in days past, I was an in shape fat kid. There are plenty of guys who’s asses I’ve kicked that could probably testify to that. I lament not being in that shape anymore, not the fact that I’m fat.

Once upon a time, I thought that the Healthy at Any Size people were a bit delusional. I thought that they were justifying their bad lifestyles. That’s because I was poisoned with the same tainted water that so many people in my culture are. The concept that being large means that you are inherently unhealthy and useless. It goes against my own personal experiences to even think that. I’ve always been a fat kid, but I haven’t always been unhealthy.

That’s why I need to re-examine all of the motivations I’ve had for trying to “loose weight” or “get in shape,” over the years. I’ve always looked at it as a painstaking exercise in trying to conform my body to the ideals that other people possess. Not because I wasn’t comfortable with my body, but because someone else wasn’t comfortable with it.

Screw that noise.

I want all the little chub-chubs out there to read and heed these words:

I am fat. I am smart. I am skilled. I am awesome. I don’t need the world to validate my existence, and neither do you. Stay happy. Stay healthy. Remember that living a full and meaningful life is better than living a long and empty one. Make decisions for yourself, and screw everyone else.


They just wish that they could get away with eating as many pizza rolls as you do. They can’t… they’re on a diet.

Sucks to be them.

-Fat Kid for Life

M.A. Brotherton