“I shouldn’t be allowed in public,” and other Sacred Mantras

I don’t think I have the time or the mental capacity to explain the darkest depths of metaphysics to all of you in one easy to understand blog post, so I’m just going to assume that all of you are familiar enough with the true, secret workings of the multiverse to know that anything you put out comes back to you thanks to the power of microwaves and hawking radiation. You can trust me on this, it’s proven science. In fact, it is generally considered a sign of dangerous ignorance if you say this isn’t real science, so if someone tries to argue, you should stab them.


Only, don’t do that because I’m full of crap, and suddenly having a bit of guilt pangs over the possibility of some CERN guys getting shanked thanks to me.

No, there is a Scientific explanation for why using a mantra, or chant spoken to manifest belief, actually affects us. It’s related partially to the placebo effect and partially to how are brain mapping works.

Either way, you should know that repetitive visualization actually has an affect on you, even if that effect is all in your mind. That’s what you’re going for anyway.

That’s why I have certain phrases that I repeat to myself many, many times a day. Mostly because they’re already true, but also because I don’t want to change who I am too much.

So, without further ado, here is my list of personal Mantras (and catchphrases.)

  • “I am a horrible human being.”
  • ”I am going straight to hell, so very, very straight to hell.”
  • ”I don’t even know what the crap is going on.”
  • “Mmm… Chicken.”
  • “I am smarter than everyone you have ever met… combined.”
  • “Trust me, I’m a genius.”
  • ”Seriously, though, is it okay if ____ is that color?”
  • “Yeah, I’m awesome.”
  • “You… are @$&#ing retarded.”
  •   “Professional Adult – It means something, I’m sure.”
  • There you go, my entire list of awesome. I say these things at least 50 times a day. Usually to myself, sometimes to other people. Mostly just to myself, though…


    Won’t someone be my friend? I’m so very, very alone…