I slept in. That’s my fault, I know, and it threw my whole morning off by 10 minutes. Getting dressed was rushed, I only straightened up the sheets on my bed instead of actually making it, and I wolfed down my breakfast fast enough to get the hiccups. In the end, my rush to recover my 10 minutes led to me skipping off to work and leaving the single most important thing in my world sitting on the kitchen table…

My Cell Phone

My Day Disconnected

7:57 AM – I arrive at work, realizing as I go to set my cellphone to silent, I have left it at home. Nervously, I hurry on, reminding myself that other than make phone calls, I can do everything I need to do through the internet. Thank God for Google Voice, am I right?

8:03 AM – After I receive my first text message of the day, my mother calls me at work to inform me that I left my phone on their kitchen table. I feel bad for her, knowing that by the end of the day, she’ll have heard my texty noise roughly 9234 times.

8:24 AM – I am beginning to grow nervous and anxious as a result of being phone-less.

9:02 AM – Having distracted myself with Twitter until work arrived for me to do.. the shakes have lessened, but I am still sweating profusely and suffering from random spikes to my heart rate.

10:00 AM – While running reports that froze up my computer, I reach for my phone… FUCK! I will have to sit here and nervously twiddle my thumbs for FIVE MINUTES!

WHAT IF THE PRESIDENT NEEDS TO GET AHOLD OF ME! HE’LL HAVE TO CALL ME ON MY WORK NUMBER! LOOKING THAT UP COULD LITERAL WAST SECONDS OF TIME AND COST TAX PAYERS TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS! IT’S A MATTER OF NATIONAL SECURITY!

10:30 AM – Sobbing silently, I just know that I have missed out on a very important, if unlikely phone call today.

12:30 PM – I head out to the bank, knowing that if I went for my phone, I wouldn’t have time to pay my bills.

01:15 PM – Sitting in my car, reluctantly listening to actual radio, realize that radio sucks, and I start to feel so, very, very tired.

02:45 PM – I content myself with the knowledge that for the first time ever, I’ve had an extremely productive day. I reward myself by drinking another cup of chocoffee… then a cup of tea… then I dance a jig.

03:30 PM – Ok, I’m going to become a real adult now. It’s time to file my taxes. It’s not like I have anything distracting me.

04:30 PM – It’s time to leave work, finally. It’s been the longest day ever, and I’m starting to feel so very, very tired. I want to listen to some Simon and Garfunkel. Since my phone (with Pandora) is at home, I instead listen to the Church of Lazlo bitch about children swearing or something.

04:45 PM – MY PHONE! MY PREEEEEECIIIIIIOOOOOOOUS!

05:00 PM – I am actively amazed at how much battery I have left on my phone. It never holds out that long when I take it to work.

05:20 PM – Receive an important phone call. Thankfully no one tried to call me ealier.

05:30 PM – Sit down and type up this transcript, the entire time happily watching the little green light on my phone flash, signaling that someone out there in the universe thinks I’m worth mentioning. That’s no small comfort.

05:31 PM – Pandora is now playing “CAAAAAAAAAAAAAARY OOOOOON MY WAAAAAAAAAAAAYWAAAARD SOOOOON!” I am singing to my phone.

 

Ah, I feel so much better.

 

Conclusion: It is possible to survive without my cell phone. But WHY WOULD I EVER WANT TO! That would be foolish and stupid.

 

I need a brain implant.