5 Random Rants from a Powerfully Insane Man

“Why are you always so angry?”

-Many People

I have to admit, I have a tendency to fly off the deep end and rant, sometimes for absolutely no reason at all and completely over nothing. Most of the things that will trigger me to go into crazy mode have little to no meaning, absolutely no bearing on me as a person, and often no basis for why I am ranting in the first place. It isn’t all that uncommon for me to actually forget what was bothering me by the time I get done being angered about it anyway. Clearly I’m a crazy person, and this is how I interact with the world.

The scary part is, there is no telling what is going to set me off on any given day. It can be anything, from a casual mention of a piece of software to just seeing corn.

Actually, Corn always sets me off. Corn is evil, that’s why I drew about it.

Realizing that I’m quite obviously insane, I decided to keep a record of the things that I screamed about at random this week.

Note: many of the things on this list might seem reasonable to rant about, if that is the case, then perhaps you, too are powerfully insane.

Things that Make me Go: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

1. Politics No One Gives a @#&$ About.

Early in the week, I caught myself ranting about politics. This in and  of itself isn’t unusual, I rant about politics a lot on the Half Drunk Podcast. It’s basically my entire contribution to the project, and pretty much the reason it exists. However, I normally rant about things that are topical, like the republican candidacy, SOPA, NDAA, or equal rights. This week, though, before the week even really got started, I was damn near foaming at the mouth over something so asinine that I am ashamed to admit that I apparently have not only a great deal of knowledge on the subject, but an incredibly dedicated opinion on it.

That’s right, I ranted about the legal status of exporting or important fruit into California.

Now, maybe some of you are reading this, and you live in California and think that outside fruit is bad, and needs to be destroyed. It might even be important to you. For the rest of the world, though, we think it’s a stupid thing to have a law against, and that as a state, you should all be publically spanked for your beliefs! More time and money is wasted on the prevention of fruit from entering California from other states than on finding serial killers.

You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

Of course, I shouldn’t even have an opinion, because I live in Missouri, which is half a country away from California, and plan to never go there in my life, unless someone pays me several million dollars to do so.

If they do, I’ll buy some local fruit.

I’m pro local produce anyway.


2. Corn

I rant about corn daily. Mostly about how it possesses no nutritional value, but not always. There are literally thousands of reasons to hate corn. To name a few:

  1. It is a parasitic alien that absorbs nutrients from your body to complete it’s breeding program.
  2. It is actively destroying the environment, leeching precious minerals from the soil and rendering it useless.
  3. In a strange turn of events, crazy Mexicans have torn down the tequila cacti so they can plant more corn. This wouldn’t seem as bad if it weren’t for the fact that tequila cacti take like 100234234 years to reach proper tequila maturity. That’s right, we’re going to run out of tequila.
  4. Corn is grown by slaves, seriously.
  5. The only justifiable use of corn is to make car fuels, we need new car fuels.

Clearly, Corn is a problem, and the only solution is FIRE.


3. Apple Computers 1,432,352,348,084 times… on Monday

There are reasons to hate Apple computers. They are an evil corporation that actively pollutes the environment and is guilty of more violations of human rights than Stalin, but these aren’t really the reason I hate them. It isn’t the fact that Steve Jobs was a con man that claimed credit for thousands of inventions made by clever, interesting people that got shafted by them. It isn’t even the fact that I dislike their products.

It’s a two fold hatred – I am both cheap and hate things that douchebags like.

Note: Liking an apple product does not inherently make you a douchebag. However, being a douchebag does mean that you will praise Apple products constantly, and seek to justify your over priced purchase by trying to convince everyone around that you are superior because of it. After all, Microsoft is the evil corporation.

The truth is, people who know anything about computers know that you basically bought the computer equivalent of an Elmo TV. Sure, it works for most things, but the quality is really low, it’s massively over priced, and a grown up would be embarrassed to be seen with it.

There is a reason that Apple has spent billions of dollars trying to convince people that Macs are for cool, hip young people. This is because those are the only people stupid enough to pay $1500 for $300 worth of hardware because it was spray painted blue.

See, I can’t stop from ranting about this.

I think I might have a problem.

4. People Ranting about New Twitter

Everyone rants about new twitter, seemingly constantly. I like new twitter. Not that it matters, because like 93% of twitter users, I use twitter in a third party application anyway, namely Hootsuite. If you don’t like the twitter UI, don’t use the god damned twitter UI, there are literally a zillion other apps you can use.

Also, Tweetdeck always sucked, you’re delusional for thinking otherwise.

So, if you are still using the twitter website, you deserve to have your eyes stabbed in with knitting needles. I’m not going to protect you from it either. I don’t like you and think you smell like feet.

5. Ironic Rant about Self Righteous Douche Bags

Look, people who think they’re better than everyone else are a real downer to those of us that are. You really  need to get over this whole superiority thing. You aren’t always right, and you’re only about as smart as an ocelot. That’s a fairly clever jungle cat, so I’ll give you the credit there. If I want to know how to hunt snakes or something, I’ll come your way. Just sit down and shut up, because I’m tired of hearing your moronic ravings.

I have better things to do, like telling these other people about how what they are doing is wrong and I have a better way.

Because I’m a genius.

That’s how the world works.