Seriously, Internet, You bitches be crazy – #YouFoundMeHow

Okay, we’ve been playing GeekinHard’s “You Found Me How” game for a few months now, and seriously, Internet, you are starting to scare me. That’s saying something because I’ve been deep into your bowels since I was very young. I mean, I’ve trolled 4Chan’s /b/ boards for crying out loud. I mean, not that, because they don’t exist. Burn that from your mind. Trust me, it’s worse than just or 2-girls-1-cup.

I never thought that darkness would come hunting for me though. I thought I was safe. I’ve been cocky, and dead wrong.

I’ve gathered together 10 of the search terms from the last month that make me go, “What the crap were they looking for?” I’ve done my best to help, in case they wonder back here, still seeking their answers.

brotherton lie corruption

Hopefully, my post about fighting against the ever present darkness of modern society was what lead you to this site with these search terms. In fact, a quick google looky, and I’m pretty close to the bottom of page one. Of course, you probably weren’t looking for me at all, since there is a hard Science Fiction writer out there named Mike Brotherton who leads a pretty strong campaign against Anti-Science Religious Organizations. Since he’s both a real author (as in he has books you can buy) and an astrophysicist, I’m sure his soundbites (or text bites) are more impressive than my own.

As far as I know, other than the same last name and love of Orson Scott Card, we’re not directly related, but the Brotherton clan is nothing if not fertile, so it’s possible.

I hope that no one was looking for evidence to prove that I’m a horrible, bad, bad man. One listen to the Podcast (NEW WEBSITE)  should give you all the proof you need there.


“official seal of approval”

I went six pages deep and never saw a link to me thanks to this, so, Thank You, anonymous person, for being hardcore enough to follow google’s depths to my doors.

Here is a link to Know Your Meme on this though:

I have to assume you’re going for some image board fodder.


best bar in kansas city for skanks

Boom, I’m helpful! The Red Balloon. I’m proud of this one, I’m the first result that isn’t, and if you just search for “Skank Bar,” I’m #3 on the list… again, the first non-sponsored result.

Thank you, slutty Overland Park women. Thank you, forever.




Well, there is a song called Murdercorn, but I also drew one. I didn’t think it’d become something people googled.

God, I hope no one is using my awesome doodle for their shitty metal band, at least now without sending me a CD.


slutty virgin

Again, I blame the podcast for this one, but also Halloween doodles on Twitter, because, you know, nothing says, “Give me candy!” like whorish blasphemy.

There is a special hell for me and my doodles, but you’ll beat me there if you’re googling Slutty Virgin.

P.S. Go back to class, you damned high school punks.


“matt brotherton”

Want to crush your own ego, I mean, really, really crush it? Google yourself and realize that you don’t even show up until number 4…

That’s pretty sad.

That said, Why are you googling me, Interent? Don’t I share enough of myself with you?

There’s only so much I can give, you know. I need my me time!

And a sandwich. Blogging is hard work.


narcissist, where do we go from here

To punctuation school! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! No seriously, start here and work your way forward.

I’ll assume you already read this post, though it’s buried pretty deep in googles googler.


formula for ausomeness

I know it. You’re welcome. Also, if my doodle books are getting popular enough to actually get googled, maybe I should start selling them or something.


tall fat kids

I hope that my popular tirade on the Anti-Ronald Movement was what you were looking for, and not how to beat up a taller, fatter kid. By the way, kid, if that fatty is still giving you trouble, I suggest either kicking him in the doughnuts, if you know what I mean, then keep doing it until he coughs up blood. If it’s a girl, there isn’t much I can tell you. They are pure evil and cannot be stopped. Fortunately, the seem to molt most of their intense hatred for all other living things around the age of 23, so,  you know. Just hang in there or something.

Or, you know, tell a teacher about it. Yeah, that seems like better advice.


is gravity the biggest enemy

Why, yes, it is. Also, the podcast is the number one search result here. Take that, lesser crazy people.


There you go, we have learned today that people are weird and lack the ability to use capitalization.

I find the answers so you don’t have to.


Now put down that knife and back away slowly. I’m actually made up almost entirely of bombs…