Starting Over in 2012: The Lament of a Giant Fatty

Okay, this time last year, I was full of hope and change. I had these big plans to not be a fat kid anymore. They didn’t last too terribly long, of course. I am at FatMattNowheart a very, very fat guy. I mean really, I kind of enjoy being a fat guy.


I can’t keep being a fat guy anymore. It’s killing me, and I hate that I worked hard all year, and even lost 35 pounds, only to gain almost all of it back since Halloween, most of it in the last few weeks. I feel worse than I ever have before. I will not be beaten by my own stupid body. Doughy and round though it might be.

I’m tired of getting out of breath from eating.

That’s how fat I am. I get out of breath while eating.

It’s a horrible situation to be in.

This time last year, I had set 3 goals. All of them seemed so easy to achieve, and all of them have been cast aside like corn in my kitchen. I don’t eat corn… I have reason to believe that it is an alien parasite that uses your body chemistry to rebuild itself, and as we all know it has Zero nutritional value and destroys the environment1. So, here I sit, January of 2012, back at square one, and with no real idea exactly what it is I’m going to do to get better. Well, I have a vague idea.




BLAM! I’m going to get superhero buff.

Oh, and probably grow some sort of magic pony-tail. I haven’t figured that part out yet.

What I do know is that I have a goal now, five of them actually, each is a weight milestone, and when I reach each one, I’m going to reward myself with something awesome.

I don’t know for sure what I’m going to reward myself with, so if you have any suggestions, I’d love to hear them.

Also, if you have any suggestions on exercises a morbidly obese dude can do, or recipes that taste like fried chicken but are as healthy as salad, I’d love to hear about them in the comments below.

If not, just knowing that I now have an entire Internet worth of people who will ask me daily, “Have you swung your kettlebells yet?”


1- Corns Nutritional Value is a Lie, perpetuated by the Great Corn Conspiracy. Tequila used to know the truth, but Corn has slowly eliminated it. You have to believe me, I’m on your side… I am… I promise.