I am not a percentage point, I am a man.

I am one of over 312 million people living in the United States. You would think that with that many people, it would be easy for me to find a group that I can identify with, but it’s not. I don’t think it’s possible for anyone really to find a group that fits them perfectly. Maybe that’s because I can’t imagine what it’s like to allow myself to be forced into a certain hole. I’m an individual. I refuse to stop being me just so I can have the comfort of being part of a larger group.

That’s why these “I am the 2346%” campaigns are really starting to piss me off.

There are two major % campaigns going on the US right now. The first and loudest is the 99%.

The 99%

These are the people that bitch about being part of the 99% of the country that isn’t mega-wealthy. Interestingly enough, this is also the percentage of people in that movement who are only bitching because they don’t know how to do anything else.

Also, it is my rough estimate that this is the percentage of them that have not voted in an election because they were too busy smoking pot and playing Metal Gear Solid.

It isn’t that I disagree with them, either. I think they’re doing something important and raising awareness for some serious problems that are gnawing at the very foundation of our country. My problem it, it’s hard to take them seriously.

I mean, you really want to try to convince me you did your absolute best to find a job, then maybe you shouldn’t do that while your nasty dreadlocks poke out from behind the crustified hoodie that you haven’t washed in three years. Seriously, you can’t smell like cheap weed and try to convince me you did your best to find a job at the same time. I won’t believe you. It’s an image thing.

Can you imagine the impact that the Occupy Wallstreet movement would have immediately had if they had shown up looking like they were ready to interview for a job, instead of showing up looking like they were ready to head to Burning Man?

Big Life Secret: Wear a tie, get respect.

No one important, and by important I mean actually votes, is going to take you seriously when you’re wearing tie-dye, drinking a frappocino, and tweeting on your brand new iMac. By the way, another way to not convince me that you are struggling despite being responsible with your money, owning a brand new, $2500 iMac and sipping on a $7 cup of coffee from Starbucks.

Those might be things you should buy after you pay your bills. Then, maybe you wouldn’t be so far behind all the time.

The 53%

From the moment the 99% guys began organizing the Occupy Wall Street movement, the remaining 23 brain cells that make up the Conservative Hive Mind kicked in. They went out and found the douchiest looking members of the TEA party, dressed them up like hip, young people and started taking their own cellphone shot Tumblr pictures.

Now that the Republican party has taken control of Congress again, these people have decided that they are suddenly okay with the status quo, and that the fact that their lives are falling apart due to government corruption is okay, as long as it isn’t a corrupt black guy. Of course the entire thing is being run and developed by the ironically-named, conservative blog, Red State.

Based on the several dozen tumblr entries I’ve glossed over in an anger high, these people

want you to all know that they are too proud to take aide from anyone else, and anybody that does accept help needs to shut the fuck up and get a second, third or forth job. Apparenlty they believe that working 80-90 hours a week shouldbe normal. They think it’s totally cool to work yourselves to death for minimum wage just to make ends meet. That means there isn’t a problem at all, right? You know, being worse off than we were back in Feudal Europe?

The .00000032%

I suppose I’m one of them, though, right? I mean, I’m part of the 53% of US citizens that pays their taxes so that the 99% can sit on their asses in a park in New York and shout poorly rhymed, overly mouthy slogans at the 1% that collects all my taxes then uses them to buy a cannon they can fire bird shit out of at my head.

I am one person in a country of over 312 million.

I know that there are problems with our government. I think the marriage of big business and Congress is probably the most important one of them all. I’m proud that I live in a nation where people will stand up and say, “Screw this noise, I don’t want this.”

However, we can’t just stand up and scream that we have problems. America is 235 years old. I think it’s time we stopped acting like toddler. We can’t bitch and scream to get what we want. We need to get off our asses and do something about it.

You’re making progress America. Showing that we have a problem is the first step. Now, we need to find a solution.