Mentally Disorganized - M.A. Brotherton

This is my desktop, yes, my mouse pad is a 2009 calendar, thanks for noticing.

I have a compulsion to be disorganized. It isn’t that I can’t get organized, that’s all actually pretty easy to me. The problem is, I can’t stay organized. I suffer from a pretty severe case of chronic scatterbrain. In fact, it plagues me even as I write this. Between “chronic scatterbrain” and “In fact,” I played Zuma Blitz, checked Twitter (8 times), checked Facebook (2 times), went and got some tea, and stared off into space for a few minutes. Wait, What was I saying?

Recently, Brad over at Geekin’ Hard has written about his struggles with ADD and his quest to find the proper meds to help him reach a sense of normalcy. I hope he is able to achieve what he is looking for and be happy.

I’m not sure that’s what I want.

What is Normalcy?

Sure, it might be more convenient for other people if I was able to pop a pill and function the same way they do, at a slow, steady and focused pace, but is that the right way? I can understand the appeal sometimes, but most of the time, I want to be more frantic.

I don’t feel right, unless I’m feeling anxious. That probably says a lot about me right there, and it is a big part of the allure of the handfuls of stimulants I used to wash down with cans of energy drinks. There is no better feeling in the world that when your heart is pumping loud enough you can hear it, and your brain is firing fast enough that you have to worry about your hair being caught in an electrical fire. We are biologically programmed to crave those moments because that is when our instincts kick in.

It’s hard for me to be in that place, maybe it would be easier for me to reach that state if I were normal.

There’s the rub, though. The true fear that floats up and keeps me from going and seeking out medical help for my problems, too. If I’m normal, doesn’t that mean I’m not special? Most of my life people have referred to me as “odd” or “a weird duck,” and I’ve always thought that was a compliment. After all, who ever achieved anything great by being just like everyone else?

I do know that I’m going to have to start doing something different pretty soon, though. There are too many awesome things I want to do, and they’re never going to get done if I can’t work on one project for more than 20 minutes at a time. Maybe it is time for me to try being normal.

Now, if I could just forget that lingering thought that doctor’s give you cancer…