Ronald McDonald Didn’t Make Your Kids Fat

Don’t Blame The Clown

Now, don’t get me wrong, I blame clowns for a lot of things. In the deepest recesses of my mind I think I am permanently warped by Steven King into believing that clowns are giant, alien spiders that exist to feed off of fear and death. They are here for no reason other than being just creepy enough that it is socially acceptable to use them as the dark scapegoat of the night. The problem is, like most scapegoats, the clowns aren’t really at blame here. It’s not Ronald McDonald’s fault that you fed your kids nothing but french fries and processed chicken meat for the first 6 years of their life.


"I did not force that child to eat those big macs!"

I am a fat man. I think you need to understand that right away. I am 6’1″ tall and weigh in right around 350 pounds, and that is after losing almost 30 pounds. I’ve been bigger than other people most of my life. This is my burden that I struggle with, and it offends me when I hear things like Corporate Accountability International decide to take responsibility for my weight away from me and place the blame on something like Ronald McDonald.

You Should All Be Pissed

Basically, instead of doing something important, like going after the people who are actively poisoning our drinking water and air, CAI is spending billions of dollars to tell us all that we have no free will, that we are all controlled by harmless media icons, and that we are too stupid to eat one of the dozen things or so that aren’t going to kill you at McDonald’s. Of course, that’s assuming that you feel the need to eat out at all. Anytime someone tries remove the blame for your mistakes from you, they are trying to say you don’t matter enough to affect the world. Own your consequences, they are proof that you matter.

Accountability Should Be There

When I was a kid, I very rarely ate out at all, the occasional, rare pizza night was pretty much the only time we didn’t eat home cooked meals. I can remember thinking about how mean my parents were that I couldn’t have a Happy Meal, because all I wanted was the damn toy. You know what, they didn’t buy it for me anyway, because they were  my parents, and they made the decisions.

So, let’s just say that maybe your kid wants to eat the McDonald’s because they want to see Ronald, in my experience the playland equipment is much more a factor, but we’re assuming. Now, you have two choices: You can either take your kids to McDonald’s because they want to go, or you could choose being a parent.

This is an easy decision for me, I’m an uncle, so if the Monkeys want McDonald’s, I take them. That way I’m never the bad guy, and my brother and his wife have to deal with the sugar high from the McFlurries, bwa ha ha ha.

So, maybe CAI should stop their witch hunt against innocent (and charitable) Ronald McDonald and start doing something bigger, like bitch slapping some parents into realizing it’s okay to say “Hell, No!” to their kids.

If there was any one thing this world needs more of, its bitch-slapped parents.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go buy a 50-piece chicken McNuggets. Not because I’m fat, but because a clown is holding me at gunpoint.