Thanksgiving is a holiday I stand behind fully. In fact, I’d say Thanksgiving is the most American of any Holiday (Sorry Independence Day, You’re a true Patriot, but, like President’s day, you just don’t relate enough to the common man).  Really, to understand how awesome and important Thanksgiving is, we need to analyze:


TRUE FACT # 1 – Thanksgiving reminds us how awesome Native Americans are!

Native Americans are a diverse and awesome people. Thanksgiving reminds us how they were so cool that back in the day, they gave my ancestors corn and turkey. Then they showed them how to survive in the harsh rough American wilds… so we didn’t need them anymore, and could kill them with Small Pox.

I might be remembering bits from my 3rd grade history a little wrong, but I’m pretty sure that’s how it went down.

Anyway, Thanks Native Americans for feeding my murderous, puritanical and possibly insane ancestors!

TRUE FACE # 2 – Thanksgiving is the ONLY holiday celebrated by eating until you pass out.

Its been a couple of years since I had a true family Thanksgiving, but I can still remember how it goes down. First of all, you get up, and you eat breakfast, then everyone kicks you out of the kitchen so they can begin amassing enough food to feed 1800 front line soldiers. Which is good, because I had a big family, and that meant needing to feed at least 200 people, and on Thanksgiving, you all eat for 9, so that works out then, right?

Shortly after we were all banished from the place were food lives, small trays would begin appearing around the other parts of the house. The one’s with Ritz crackers and summer sausage were an especially awesome prize, but you had to sometimes settle for carrots and celery.

Then, a mere few hours later, we would all be allowed to follow one-by-one around the Thanksgiving Buffet. Now, I know that the “traditional” Thanksgiving scene has people sit around a table. I’ve NEVER seen that happen in my life. My family has always put all the food out so that we can all assembly line our fatness. Of course, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a table that could hold my entire family sitting at it. Then there’s the nonsense about the kid’s table… Bah, you’re an adult when you’re allowed to eat inside.

After the mass feeding, we would all trickle back to the food at our own pace, consuming hams, turkeys, potato salads and pies until we literally fell into what, in hindsight, I should probably worry was some form of diabetic coma.

TRUE FACT # 3 – Thanksgiving is like Christmas without the stupid decorations!

Seriously, everyone comes together and plays stupid board games and enjoys quality time as a huge mostly functional family, but there is no tree to get in the way. Also: no guilt when you forget to buy a present for your second cousin Rupert.

TRUE FACT # 4 – We remember how good we have it.

Most of the year we spend anxiously worrying about our assorted first world problems. It is only on Thanksgiving that we stop to realise how great our lives really are and start thinking about all the good in them.

Thanksgiving is truly the greatest holiday. We should start thinking about making a thanksgiving season.

I for one, could probably use more than one day to contemplate all the good things in life. I don’t do it often enough.