EDIT: See, I was so freaked out, that I actually skipped a week of reality and jumped ahead to 8/20…
HOW DO I DO THESE THINGS?
So, here I am, sitting at my computer, looking at my 30 before 30 goals list and thinking about how little time 54 weeks really is. Yeah, that’s right, I’m going to be 29 in two weeks. That’s probably not much of a milestone in the eyes of our culture, but to me, it’s a pretty danged big deal. 10 years ago, 19 year old me probably wouldn’t have been remotely capable of conceiving being in my late 20s, let alone knocking on the door of my 30s. In some ways, I’m still a teenager inside my head. I don’t feel particularly grown up or accomplished, and I am far from feeling responsible. Still, here I am, and I can smell that upcoming birthday.
It smells like chocolate cake.
The point is, now that I’ve had a year to think about it, I’ve been re-evaluating my life goals. I’m pretty sure all of my life goals are decent, but not really me anymore.
So, do you just give up on them, or do you stick them out just so you can add achievements to your character page?
Also, I’m about a month away from my 2 Year Blogaversary, and that’s got some new spin on my mind.
What I’m saying is, that I think it’s a time for reflection and re-evaluation.
What have I learned? Where am I going? What do I do about the fact that the annunaki know that I am the key to destroying the Earth?
I just don’t know yet.
I’m not feeling particularly self-reflective, or more accurately, I’m feeling too self-reflective in an incredibly negative way.
I think that’s the nostalgia kicking in again.
Once upon a time, there was a lot of potential growth for one Matthew A. Brotherton. It was a terrifying and awesome potential universe that was soul-crushing in nature. He looked into that great expanse of life and opportunity and balked. Now, as he sits, alone in a dark office, he begins to think.
I’m not ready to be giving up on life, and I’m not ready to embrace it. Where does that leave me?
I had a bit of a freak out moment not to long ago. Consider it a prolonged panic attack. I can’t seem to shake this utter and complete feeling of crushing anxiety. I know that it is probably just my mind dealing with some of the crap it needs to deal with, and I know that it is probably just garbage, but it doesn’t stop me from laying awake at night and wondering, “What if?”
What if I had finished school?
What if I had tried a little bit harder to be a better husband?
What if I hadn’t settled for an easy job?
What if I was better with money?
What if I weighed 100lbs less?
What if I had told that girl that I liked her FIFTEEN FREAKING YEARS AGO?
What if my dog is a secret government agent sent to monitor me for potential psychic powers?
What if some day down the road, all of the stupid, angry, juvenile things I’ve written about on the internet come back to bite me in the ass during a Presidential Election?
What if I’m never in a Presidential Election?
Basically, my brain is focused on these stupid, impossible alternate realities where the dumbest things seem to be piling on to conspire against me.
This is life with anxiety.
This is life with fear.
There are things you can do to overcome fear, and I’m trying those. I’m trying to allow myself to accept all those little regrets and damn-its as part of who I am and part of who I was. I’m trying to move past this purgatory of self-destruction and loathing and move on to the future of doing amazing things.
I just don’t know what that next step is, but I’m going to keep looking for it.
In the meantime, cheer up from the emoment with a cute puppy: