I’m in over my head. I can accept that. I need to move on with my life and I promise you that I really am trying, but when life wants to kick you in the nuts and toss you into the ocean, there is very little you can do but learn to tread water or grow gills. I think I’ve been treading water for far too long, and the waves are getting higher and everything is a bit scary and DAMN IT ALL, THE WORLD JUST KEEPS KICKING ME IN THE BALLS!
You probably weren’t expecting that little outburst of crazy, but it’s been building, I assure you.
Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of feeling like I’m drowning, and I’ve been pushing that back because, honestly, life is in a pretty good place for me right now, way better off than a lot of people, and it feels like a dick move to complain about anything, really.
So, let me be a dick here.
This isn’t the life I thought I’d be living. Even in the most depressing and horrifying of times, I had a vision of something less mundane in my day to day being.
I suppose that some part of growing into adulthood states that you absolutely have to eventually become bored with your life, otherwise, how could you ever enter your midlife crisis and justify buying a Roaster?
Of course, at the ripe old age of 28, I’d rather not be getting ready for my mid-life crisis already.
But Why Not?
Who gets to lay down the laws that say you have to have reached a certain age to get fed up with just about everything you’ve done with your life and want to toss it out the damned window in favor of something new and exciting? Why can’t I just run off with some super model to the beaches of Brazil for a couple of months. (Besides the obvious answer of being a poor fat kid with no passport, for starters.) Outside the little cubicle of my job and the predictable routine of eating a dinner out once a week, what do I have going for me in life that’s worth tying myself down to the world. What can I possibly be doing with myself that is so damned important that I actively neglect living?
Well, okay, so maybe the dog wouldn’t be so great if I took off and abandoned her to her own devices, but, there are ways of making sure she’s taken care of, too.
Maybe the very small amount of money I have saved up over the years would be spent in like 10 seconds flat, but you can always make more money. Even in this economy. Trust me, I’ve bootstrapped myself back up from less than zero before.
Sure, I would be abandoning my responsibilities for the game that I love and have dedicated 10 years of my life to, but it would go on without me. It could survive my loss.
Okay, on second thought, I’d be much more lost in the world without the AbMonster than she would be without me. She’s got that Golden Retriever face that just makes people give her snacks, and I don’t know anyone, even self-proclaimed cat people, that won’t just scratch her ears whenever she’s within arms reach of them. It’s like she has a magic hand-attracting magnet for a head.
So maybe I’m not meant to just abandon all sense of duty and responsibility and take off for the unknown calls of the wild blue, like a siren’s song singing to me to find my fame and fortune in the big city lights of places like Vegas, or Hoboken.
I guess I’m going to just have to grow gills and admit that this is who I am.
I could build a submarine.